I know, I know, I KNOW!
It's been AGES according to the internet world since I've posted last. The reasons are many and some of them are even legit.
The first reason is that I would like to keep from turning this blog into a "my life is constantly in crisis" place. I would like to post more entertaining, quirky, and funny content rather than serious and sad content. But often, life doesn't always work like that. I've been trying for weeks to think of something funny and amusing to tell you all, but there's just be so much happening, that all I could think of was that. So I'm going to tell you that.
The first is that I am crazy. I know that I've alluded to "crazy" or "my crazy" or "appointments" in the past. I'll do a longer post about all that later, after more fun, awesome stuff, but right now I'll just give you the basics.
In March I was diagnosed with social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and OCD. In a nutshell (pun intended) It's like the panic button that everyone has in their heads gets jammed in my head...so everything feels like a world-ending crisis. In the past few months I have worried about: The Boyfriend hating/leaving/falling out of love with me, what I would do if I received a call that one of my parents had died, being kidnapped, people breaking into the house, the oven stetting the apartment on fire, people throwing my bread away from the work fridge, and a bunch of other things I've completely forgotten about. For a while I was having daily panic attacks (hyperventilating, crying, pain in the center of my chest, shaking, stomach aches). About a month an a half ago, I changed to a different medication and it has made a world of difference. Don't get me wrong, I'm still crazy, but I'm not crying daily and the thoughts that are crazy are easier to identify and talk down. (A lot of that is also from the therapist I see every Saturday)
I know that some of you do have some sort of mental illness, and you do know how debilitating it is, how hard it is just to get through a completely normal day sometimes. And those of you that don't, you are lucky and I hope that you know that people who do are not faking, weak, or trying to get out of doing anything. We would love nothing more than to be like "everyone else", but we just have to fight a little harder for it.
Other things that have happened in the past month that have made it hard for me to sit down and blog was Halloween. I desperately wanted to make some sort of awesome Halloween post, because I LOVE that holiday. The Boyfriend and I were a bat man and a robin (Batman and Robin with a delicious punny twist), I made ghost cupcakes, and actually enjoyed the Halloween party I went to. (I HATE parties, see above paragraph on anxiety)But Halloween stresses me out and makes me exhausted, because the crazy wants everything to be perfect, so I spend 4 hours making cupcakes. By the time Halloween is over, I'm ready to be done.
So, then my intentions were to write a post about Halloween and my traditions of always loving it, but life stepped in with crises. My dad's brother is currently doing radiation treatment for prostate cancer. My mom's sister has lung cancer and they are still figuring out how to best help her, but can't really do anything until she gets a bypass surgery on her heart. One of my very good friends (if you know anything, it's that I have a handful or two of very close friends that I would do anything for. Other than that, I don't like talking to people and think small talk and surface friendships are annoying and a waste of time for everyone) has had so much more in her life than anyone should have to deal with. Essentially everything that was for her was turned upside-down, shaken, and set back down.
In a past post I talked about being an introvert, and part of that is feeling deeply and not knowing how to express those emotions. So I desperately have wanted to help her and make everything better, I have emphasized with her pain and sadness, and have loved her without second thought. I love her and I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I grew up sort of ignoring and dealing with emotions quietly and on your own. It wasn't terrible, but now I just don't know what to do with the way I feel. (add to that the medication I was on for my anxiety wasn't right, so my doctor and I agreed that a change was in order)
Then, because that wasn't enough, a routine blood test of mine revealed that my platelet count was low. Platelets help your blood clot. They should be around 150-450 for most people. Mine were 115. A second blood test was ordered and those results came back as 88...it had dropped in a span of 3 weeks. It's not at dangerously low levels, but low enough that the doctors would like to know what's going on.
This week, on tuesday I went to a rheumatologist (immune system doctor) and she took 8 vials of blood to see why my antibodies (part of the immune system) were high and apparently attacking my platelets. On friday I went to a hematologist (blood doctor) to look at my cells and my liver/spleen function. They took 7 vials of blood. That has been stressful for me; just not knowing. It could be something small (not enough of a vitamin or two) or something serious (something wrong with my bone marrow, where blood cells are made (cancer)). Right now it's looking more like my immune system is attacking my platelets, which could mean an auto-immune disease; fibromyalgia, celiac, lupus.
P.S. Every time one of the doctors has mentioned Lupus, in my head I hear this and have to resist smiling like a werido as they tell me serious information. If it is anything, I sort of hope it is lupus, so I can rub it in Dr. House's face.
Anyway, I go back on the 27th to get the results and see what happens from there. No doctor was particularly concerned because I fell fine and none of this would have even been known if not for a routine blood test. If it was something super serious, I would feel sick. Low blood counts without symptoms can often be a pre symptom of something, so just things to keep an eye on.
So, that's what has been going on lately. I'm sorry this is a long and depressing post. I'll try to get something more lighthearted up next week. I just wanted you all to know why there was a leave of absence for over a month. (geez) I hadn't forgotten about you, I thought about writing a million times, but most days once I get home from work I don't want anything else required from me.
I love all of you who read, thank you, and I'll try to get back to my weekly posts.
I'll keep you updated on what's going on with my blood and everything else.
Happy Thanksgiving next week! Maybe I'll write something ridiculous about pilgrims or something.
Thanks for reading. I'll leave you with a picture of me and Captain America.
Elayna, none of this was depressing whatsoever. It's hard stuff, difficult stuff, truly overwhelming stuff, but it's not something that you should feel ashamed to post (especially in relation to how it makes others feel). In fact, I would say it probably helps a bit to get this all out so you don't feel like you're struggling alone... or I hope that's the case, at any rate, as feeling alone with this kind of stuff really stinks.
ReplyDeleteI know, unfortunately, that we're not super close any more, but I do want you to know that if there's anything I can do (even if it's just sending random amusing cards or something), let me know! And keep us updated--I know I think about you often and wonder how you're doing, and even if it's not the hottest at the moment, it's still reassuring to get updates.
That said, I know a bit about how it feels to get all the tests and have waiting and waiting for doctors and results and everything, and it does suck. I wish you the best with all of that, and I hope things turn out for the best.
You're in my thoughts, lovely lady.
I did forget how good it felt to write again, silly anxiety making me confuse my priorities. That is one of the most terrible things about mental illness, the feeling of being the only one. I have found that it does help to say it, and aside from me being tired of secrets, I've found that a lot of my friends also struggle with something and it has made our friendships better.
DeleteYou are definitely still one of my good friends, and even if I haven't responded to your own updates of struggles, my thoughts are with you. I hope all is going well with you.
I definitely miss knitting and firefly parties at odd hours in the morning.
And I miss you.
Great post as always, and best title ever. :-)
ReplyDeleteI share some of your diagnoses, and have others of my own, so I can relate. Thanks for having the courage to share your thoughts about it. That makes it inspiring, not depressing. It's good for all of us to know we're not alone in our crazy.
I hope everything turns out ok with your blood issues and with all the other stuff that's going on in your life too. Keep us posted, ok? <3
That is one thing that is a blessing in all of the anxiety events...finding friends who can relate and that making the friendship stronger.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your kind words, mental illness has this terrible quality of making the person feel so alone, but it's simply not true.
I will definitely keep you all posted, it actually felt really good to finally write all this. Silly me, forgetting that writing feels like breathing, but better.