Yes, I am completely aware that I have not posted here in about a month. The unplanned absence was due to a number of things which did not break my fingers, did not render me unable to remember words, and did not strand me someplace without any sort of electricity or internet. It was mostly a combination of being busy, being out of state, and my own crazy throwing a crazy party in my crazy head.
First, the good stuff, because everyone likes good stuff. I went back to Minnesota to see family and friends and visit where I grew up. I go about twice a year, and while I love having a week of winter with snow and cold...there is something beautiful about the vibrant greenness of a Minnesota summer. As oppressive as the humidity can be and as ravenous as the mosquitos are...there is a persistent, intense, deep passion for everything to be as green as it possibly can be.
I got to visit my best friend's adorable and perfect little baby boy. He is as sweet as he is adorable. I got to visit with my best friend and talk and catch up and discuss how impossible it is that our 10 year high school reunion is next year and that in a few months she will have a one year old child. I saw family friends, and my mom, and biked a total of 24 miles. I saw the new library and talked with the librarians who still remember me from the summers I spent there as a kid. I got a donut from the bakery and saw the house I grew up in.
Pictures!!
So that was the good. Will all of the friends and green and catching up, there was no time to sit down and write.
Now the less good.
As mentioned in Stressy McStresserson work has been sort of a stressful place. Both before I left for Minnesota and after I returned, I've just felt paranoid and resentful towards a few co-workers and in a mental war of standing up for myself and wanting to duck my head and stay under the radar. I know what I need to do, I just need to shove the anxiety aside and do it. Easier said than done, but I will.
Since February, I've sort of felt like things haven't slowed down; one big event after another. All good things, but exhausting none the less. It's like I can't hardly keep up, when I've just about caught my breath, something else comes and I'm off and running again. Some panic attacks have returned as well as just a higher level of constant stress despite my best efforts to keep things in perspective and calm myself.
So, after a few doctor's appointments, I've increased my anti-anxiety medication a little. Hopefully things will calm down again.
I'm trying to get back to things I like, reading and writing and feeling calmer. The busy and crazy have just taken my desire or the feeling of having enough to sit down and write, but I'm fighting for it.
There are other things I want to write about that have been happening, like my making a new friend, but she deserves at least an entire post to herself and I need to think more about how to write it so that it comes across right. It's a complicated situation, sort of out of the box for most people's friendships. But I like her and I don't make many new friends, because I don't enjoy talking to many new people.
A lot of what I've learned this past year is that my anxiety and the way I don't want to deal with crowds or feel the need to have a million friends...that is as much my own unique personality as it is anything else. I don't need to be the life of the party or even like parties. Who I am is enough, and while there are things I would like to do without (anxiety), fundamentally, this is me and nothing has to change. Life isn't high school, I don't "need" to fit myself into a clique. My friends are who I choose to surround myself with, my social life is when I choose to engage in it, the people I love and those who love me understand that and that's why we're friends.
Fiction Friday will return at some point, when things sort of get back on track. It feels good to be back here.
