Thursday, June 20, 2013

Stressy McStresserson

This week (and the week before) have sort of been a climb to the top of Everest of stress and anxiety for me. Not because I was actually climbing Everest, but just for the mental picture. A lot of it has to do with things at work; feeling under the microscope, incapable, watched, paranoid. It's been exhausting and stressful. I've also had a couple meetings about my work, nothing bad, just going over things, but the anxiety takes that as free reign to jump aboard the 'i'm a failure and a screw up' bandwagon. Awesome, stop.

On top of that, I'm going back to Minnesota next week. Which is great and wonderful, and that always stresses me out and I have a habit of not applying the stress to the activity that is causing it, so things like my pen going missing or the blankets feeling like they are strangling me become the end of the world.

So, next week, you'll get some pics of Minnesota (theoretically) and if there is no post, it's because I'm in Minnesota playing with my friend's baby and living on her farm with the goats. (not, like in the barn with the goats, I'm sure I can stay in the house...but the farm has goats)

I think the point I really knew I was Ms. Stressy McStresserson was when I felt attacked by the messages inside of the Dove chocolate promises that I was eating by the handful in moderation.

It helps if you read the following in the batman voice. You know, The Batman Voice.

The entire message changes when you think of them as threats rather than suggestions.

Thankfully this week is almost over, I appear to have survived thus far, and going back to Minnesota will be relaxing and good and nice.

I'm going to go and buy some non-threatening chocolate...or maybe ice cream. Ice cream never tried to give me life advice.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

E.A.A. (Enhanced Abilities Anonymous) - Chapter 8

Previously on E.A.A.

By the time it was the evening of the bowling date, Kent was so nervous he could hardly function. He put his shoes on the wrong feet, twice and nearly used toothpaste to shave with. He looked at himself in the mirror.

“Relax, Kent. It’s just like meeting her at the coffee shop, or ice cream in the park.” He didn’t believe himself. “I’m doomed.”

He was ready an hour early, but he couldn’t stay in the apartment without running into the risk of completely changing his outfit again or managing to talk himself out of going. He nearly turned back twice as he went down the stairs in his building and then tried to convince himself that he forgot his phone once he was outside, even though he knew it was in his pocket. He looked up at the perfect sunny day and was trying to see if there was even a hint of rain.

His phone rang. “Hello?”

“Quit looking for reasons to get out of this and get to the bowling alley.” Imogene stated without any sort of greeting.

“Did Dex?”

“Kent, I know you, Dex didn’t need to tell me anything. Go, or I’ll escort you myself.” She hung up before he could protest.

He walked the remaining mile to the bowling alley as though walking his last steps to his execution. The neon lights that happily blinked “BOWLING” essentially read “TURN BACK NOW” as far as Kent was concerned. He walked through the doors and was greeted by the sound of bowling balls crashing into pins, just like how he imagined his potential love life was going to sound as it came crashing down.

Kent glanced over the crowd and didn’t see Violet’s trademark headphones. He sighed, he could still leave and nobody would know.

His phone vibrated with a text message. On the screen was Imogene’s name and under it read, You’re probably at the bowling alley by now. Get your shoes, take a breath, and have fun. I will come down there if I have to.

Sometimes he wondered just how much Dex told her and just how well she knew him. Kent knew that Dex mostly only knew big, newsworthy things, sort of like a human Wikipedia; so Kent’s love life was most definitely not on the list. That left it to Imogene’s own knowledge of his personal life. That information in her hands was most definitely dangerous. Thank goodness she was his friend rather than his enemy.

He walked up to the counter and got his bowling shoes. He tried not to think about who wore them last or how well they were cleaned as the teenager behind the counter seemed to hardly care about anything other than the screen of her phone.

With a shaky breath, Kent sat down and put the shoes on. He tucked his under a chair and set about trying to find a ball.

“I always get stuck with the pink ones meant for little kids.” Violet said from behind him. “I completely lack upper arm strength.”

Kent nearly dropped the ball he was holding. He turned. “Hey.”

“I’m not going to bite.” She picked up a green ball and then set it down. “Just relax.”

“I just, I don’t do this often.” He found a red ball that his fingers wouldn’t get stuck in.

“What, bowl? Believe me, I’m no pro either.” She sighed and picked up the pink and purple swirled ball she had been trying to avoid. “Yeah, the only one my fingers fit in and that I can lift.” She walked towards a lane. “Come on, lane 3.”

She sat down at the score computer and typed in her name. It took Kent to realize she had written The Florest. “What’s your superhero name?” She looked at him.

He couldn’t help but smile. “Seriously?”

She rolled her eyes. “Don’t tell me you haven’t thought of one. We all have. The name we’d want printed in the papers when the mayor calls us for help. So, what is it?”

“The Firefly.” He felt an odd sense of pride at finally saying it out loud. For once, he felt awesome.

“Nice.” She typed it in and the game had started.

They didn’t talk much, the first few frames. They both were trying to throw something other than gutter balls and have at least somewhat of a decent score. If Kent had to be honest with himself, this was the most fun he’d had in a long time.

“How was your grandmother?” Kent asked after he bowled his second consecutive gutter ball.

“Good, she’s knitting me a sweater for Christmas.” She bowled and hit two pins. “She always knits me a sweater for Christmas.”

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

“Usually pretty good, unless she tries something experimental, like the one year with the vest cloak thing.” She rolled another gutter ball. “I’m usually much worse at bowling.”

Kent laughed. “Me, too. You must be lucky.” He picked up the ball.

“She wants to meet you.”

He nearly dropped it on his foot. It rolled so slowly down the lane that it took a full five minutes before it tapped one pin over. Kent stood motionless the entire time.

“Are you all right?” Violet stood up and walked over to him. “Kent?”

“She wants to meet me?” His voice was much higher pitched than he intended.

She shoved his shoulder. “Nothing that serious, geez. She just is interested in all my friends, being that I don’t have a million of them.”

He cleared his throat and tried to regain some composure. “You told her about me?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” She shrugged. “We’re sort of a minority. There’s a bunch of normal people and there’s a bunch of enhanced abilitied people. We’re just the ones whose ability is so obscure that nobody really needs it. We’re not part of the normal crowd and not part of the ‘super’ crowd. Therefore it’s harder to make friends outside of our group.”

He had recovered enough to bowl his second turn. “I can see that, I guess I never really thought about it. I figured it was my own awkwardness that kept my friend list down.”

She smirked. “I wouldn’t completely rule that out, but I sort of think it’s endearing.” She picked up her ball and regarded the pins with a pro bowler’s focus. “The few other guys I’ve dated have either been totally preoccupied with my ability, but they were normal people. The others were abilitied, but they were totally obnoxious about it.” She lowered the pitch of her voice to mimic a conversation. “Yeah, so I was at the mayor’s last night for dinner, you know, for putting out that fire at the orphanage with the water that shoots from my nostrils.” She threw the ball and got a strike. “Even the Nose Hose, who has the worst super name by the way, thought he was leagues above me.”

“I don’t think anyone could be better than you.” Kent said it before he could stop himself.

Violet turned at met his eyes, she smiled sweetly. “Really?”

“…a-at bowling.” He added lamely while furiously blushing.

She smiled knowingly, but there was still the light of the compliment in her eyes.

From Vendetta To Valium

Warning: This post contains mention of female anatomy and menstruation. So, if you're not interested, please feel free to skip this one.

*Names have been changed because it's more fun that way, I mean to protect the identity of all parties.

MaryLet’s run away to cotton candy island.

I think our dramatic yelling to the sky moment will be scheduled around 1 this afternoon, if that works with your schedule.

Christ.

SaraHaha, perfect, count me in!

I have an oil change today at 1:30 so thank God I get to run away for a while.

MaryLucky.

You know those days where you just never should have gotten out of bed? That applies to this entire week. Thank god for pilates today, I definitely need it.

SaraFOR REAL.

Cotton Candy mountains sound so DAMN appealing right now….or crack cocaine…whichever comes first!

HAHA, secret bashing in email today with you is making me super happy

MaryIt is definitely helping.

remember when mr drama was our biggest problem? How naieve we were.

I do love the irony of all the things I have been accused of…online shopping, facebooking (on my phone), being on my phone, loud typing, internet surfing; it’s like they’re looking at the wrong computer. Mr. ebay for guitars and amps, facebook, twitter, omegle, random internets, google chat, facebook chat, typing up a storm.

SaraAt this point I think that they are deliberately choosing to ignore his behavior. IU swear, its all because he’s a new dad, and a band manager that probably has connections they need.

Lets tell everyone we are pregnant, see how quickly things change in our favor.

MaryOkay!

Pregnant and in a band. The Fertile Myrtles! Lots of angry emo girl hormone driven punk rock.

SaraLet’s scratch out the emo part, and I am in!

I really want to box today

MaryDone. Fertile Myrtles are no longer emo, just strongly hormone driven.

Piloxing is tomorrow. There’s also piloxing at 6 today, during the time that I do normal pilates.

SaraDamn, that sounds amazing right now. I am so torn of emotions.

I wanna box, I wanna eat loads of salt and I also want to get laid. EFF you hormones!!! This is exactly how I feel right now…

MaryYeah. Let’s kill the world, eat ice cream and pretzels, screw boys, and watch lifetime movies!!! All at this exact moment.

SaraHAHAHA, being a woman is so ridiculous sometimes. Thank you for being my uterus sista. Didn’t you show me a uterus pillow once?

MaryNo, I was not the presenter of the uterus pillow.

No wonder in the 1800s men just had women committed during their period or gave them historectimies and called them hysterical. Dear lord, we are nuts. Guys get a rush of hormones at about 16 and then it just stays there, indefinitely. Women get the hormone rollercoaster until they’re 50 and then everything explodes, and then stops. Meanwhile, guys find their second wind at about 70 and want to revert back to everything they’ve said at 17.

Btw, Uterus Pillow is the Fertile Myrtles first hit single. Followed closely by I hate to love your stupid handsome face to round off the charts.

SaraHAHAHA, I like the way you think. It was this one that I saw.

How stupidly cute is this dumb thing.

MaryHe’s like an adorable pink female anatomy shaped ghost holding grapes.

SaraIf this was ghost that you get when “Hey do you wanna buy a ghost” guy comes to you, its like heck yes!

Put if it’s the ghost you shoot during Johnny skull Id be like, “nooooo…save him!”

MaryWhen I become a ghost, it will be like this one.

SaraHAHAHA That would totally be you!

Jebus, I just yelled at the parking attendant because he asked why I didn’t wear make-up today and I told him I don’t live to please you with my beauty. What he said was damn rude, but I need to be tranquilized before I go on a hate spewing spree.

MaryNah, we’ll just get wasted at lunch and then say whatever the hell we want to everyone! Be warned, world, Sara and Mary are out for blood.

SaraJeeze, is’nt the fact that we have enough blood coming out of us the problem???

A glass of wine sounds divine though.

MaryMOAR BLOOD!!! THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENTS!!!! THEIR BLOOD MUST SPILL FOR OUR BLOOD SPILLS!!!!

SaraHAHAHAHA, what the hell is wrong with us?

MaryRelax and chant with me

Yeah, that conversation really happened.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

I Got Skillz?

I wasn't overly blessed with coordination, or depth perception, or balance, or grace, or poise, or...you get the picture. I was never passionate (or particularly good at) dance or gymnastics and I was terrible at all sports involving throwing, catching, or hitting. In gym class I mostly just got hit in the face with any sports ball that happened to be in the air at some point.

Recently I have started working out at the local gym where I work, nothing serious, just to be in better shape overall. Whatever. Anyway, I started there thinking I would only run on the treadmill...but then some of the classes offered started to look interesting.

I tried my hand at pilates, which I really like and it's super relaxing and whatnot. Then last week I just wasn't feeling the treadmill or elliptical, but I was in time for a Piloxing class. What is piloxing, you might ask? Apparently it's a mix of pilates, dance, and boxing. The internet says it looks like this.

Needless to say I was intimidated by the coordination skills needed. But then, something surprising happened. I didn't totally suck. I kept up with the group despite it being my first time and I had no idea what the eff I was doing, AND the instructor told me after that she had a hard time believing that it was my first piloxing class. What the what? Hold up. I was kinda good at something athletic-y? The girl whose hometown librarians STILL know her name despite not living in that town for the past 8 years? The girl who has been hit by footballs, volleyballs, softballs (their name lies!), basketballs, tennis balls, and soccer balls? (I'll admit that during the one leg balance part, I totally sucked and had to use both feet, but the rest was actually kind of fun. And HARD, this was a Workout with a capital W.)

I can only attribute my supposed success to a blending of my past randomly acquired skills. I'm not talking about using algebra in everyday life, like we were lied to told. I mean skills that I NEVER thought would be used except for the odd things they were designed for.

The first, is pilates. Just knowing some forms and placements of your arms/legs/spine were helpful. (not much, but a little)

The second, is my obsession interest in the show Dance Moms so that I learned some dance terms and stuff. (yeah, we'll go with that)

Third can be attributed to the dance themed flash mobs that I took part in. (Mostly Thriller, and yes, I do know the entire six minute dance) We had just a couple weeks to learn the dance, sometimes just a couple hours.

I'm the Zombie dressed as Where's Waldo. Did you find me?

And finally, I give my success to something that I thought I had blocked from my memory. High School Gym Class. *shudder* I went to school in Minnesota, in a very small school (think 4000 people in the entire TOWN, so my graduating class was 97 kids) During the winter we had enough snow to not even know where exactly the track or football field was, so here was the school with 4 grades of gym classes (broken up into about 25 kids per class for each grade, so 16 gym classes) with 7 periods in the day all needing time and space for gym.

Some time was bought with health class (my grade defaced the books by adding penises to anything and everything, 10 books had to be permanently "retired" after my grade went through) The other option was to do weightlifting in the weight room (the old library) and the final option was Tae Bo. In the wrestling room.

Now, if you've never experienced the joy of a high school wrestling room, be thankful. Ours was about 20 feet by 15 feet, walls and floor covered in mats that teenage boys sweated all over as they practiced wrestling. Gross. Gross gross gross!

Ours was red and black, the perfect colors for hiding EVERYTHING. (gross)

The gym teacher would herd us all into there, we'd try not to touch anything (including the floor) and the teacher would put in a Billy Blanks Teaches Tae Bo VHS into the VCR. Then for the next 40 minutes we would follow along to the amount of minimal effort that would get us a decent grade best of our abilities.

If you haven't had the pleasure of seeing these videos, look them up, it's worth it to understand some of my horror.

So oddly enough, these random skills have turned into some innate ability to not totally suck at Piloxing. So, if you ever need anyone to fill in at a piloxing class who looks like they sort of know what they're doing...I guess I'm the one to call.

Thanks Michael Jackson, Billy Blanks, and Abby Lee Miller. You have given me completely useless but somehow helpful skills.