Music Speaks To Me, Man

My name is Elayna, and I am a music addict.

All together now, "Hello, Elayna"

It has been...okay, so I'm currently listening to music. Thing is, I really don't think what little left of my sanity would survive without it. But one thing better is live music. (Often, I read homographs as the other one just for my own amusement. So that live that I just used...in my head it was live as in "the plant will live if you water it") Moving on.

Tuesday I had the pleasure of partaking in just such. I went to Amoeba music in Hollywood, which for those of you unfamiliar, it is this amazing warehouse sized building full of every type of music and movie one should desire. New and used; records, cassets, cd, dvd, vhs. It's amazing and so very dangerous to my bank account.

I went and saw Robert DeLong, and up and coming musical genious. He specializes in dance and electronic music and before you knock it as not your type of music, this kid's got rhythm and an amazing ear for sound. And by kid, I mean we're the same age.

He does everything. Every sound and note in his set was created by him. He uses video game controllers and a wii remote, he drums like it's in his blood and he does it simply because he loves it. He's super nice, very genuine and creates music for the sake of creation not fame.

It was a great show.

The type of show where the bass (in my head that was bass like the type of fish) beats in your chest with your heart and you find yourself dancing without meaning to, just because it's how your body is responding.

I got my cd signed, we talked for a bit and I went home completely high on the euphoria of live music.

I need to do that more, I need to hit up more concerts. Even if it isn't "my" type of music. Maybe I'll find something new, and if not, at least I'll have that moment of freedom and joy.

So, go look up Robert DeLong and find yourself a live concert. If there aren't any in your area...crank your favorite album, close your eyes, and dance.

Just A Quickie...

I know, I know, I KNOW!

It's been ages since I've written anything here. And I have excuses and reasons for that. The main ones being that holidays stress me out. (thanks OCD and anxiety and lupus) I hate blaming my "medical labels" for the things I didn't get done, but sometimes it just happens to apply, but I still don't like it.

So, there were a lot of things I wanted to get done for Christmas, like hand-made presents for my friends, Christmas cards to people, and decorations. I ended up getting presents for my parents and The Boyfriend and then I was done. I packed and went home to Minnesota. There was snow, it was beautiful. (I'll do a full post on that with pictures, soon.)

Then it was the recovery after I got back to L.A., which was also New Year's. The Boyfriend and I got to have New Year's Eve together, and he was my first midnight kiss. Then it was trying to get back into the swing of things from the craziness of the holidays.

A week later, I got that cold/flu that everyone was raving about. I didn't want to be left out, you know. So after a weekend of coughing my lungs out and low fevers...I was finally well enough to trudge through the days of work...but it left me exhausted by the time I got home.

So that brings us to pretty much now.

I came to the realization last week (with the help of OCD) that I don't write much any more, and I love writing. It's like breathing, but also having surprise ice cream. Anyway, The Boyfriend, my therapist and I came to the conclusion that I was not "any less of my self" because I don't write as much currently and that a solution to this was to simply set aside a time to write each evening. If it doesn't happen, I'm not allowed to let OCD tell me I'm a bad person, but to at least try.

So, hopefully that will help me get back into the swing of writing, because I do love it and I realize how much I miss it when I finally get back to it.

So, dear readers, all is well with me. I've just been trying to get my life together, or at least back to a place where I feel balanced between the things that need to get done (like work and dishes) and the things I want to do (like writing and hanging out with The Boyfriend and adventures with friends).

I hope we all are able to find balance. I guess that's my New Year's Resolution. Balance...and forgiveness for myself.

Also, this is super exciting and wonderful...The Boyfriend and I will have been together for one year on Friday, Feburary 8. One year! It feels like we have always been together and that we have just met all at the same time. It makes me overwhelmingly happy.

More to come soon.

<3

End of the World?

Probably not.

I didn't grow up in a family of doomsday alarmists. My parents didn't stockpile for Y2K, we didn't have an end of the world emergency plan, we didn't even have an emergency pack that apparently every home should have.

That rapture that should have happened 21 May 2011...not worried. Zombie apocalypse? I got that covered. Throw on some Thriller and that gives you at least 5 minutes to get away, because Zombies gotta dance.

So, now that we're on the eve of 21 December 2012...I'm still not worried. This one is different though, like a milestone almost. I've been hearing about 12/21/12 most of my life. I remember being in about 3rd or 4th grade and sitting with my friends as we calculated how old we would be in 2012. 26. Which at the time sounded very adult and very old. We talked about how we would be married and have a few kids and the world was supposed to end, and then 26 didn't seem like enough time.

Here I am, 26 and about 12 hours from the end of the world (as we know it, and I feel fine). I don't have kids, I'm not married and I like my life. So, end of the world, come at me bro!

Tomorrow The Boyfriend and I are going to celebrate our Christmas Eve, we're going to get dressed up, go out for drinks and have a great time. On Saturday we're going to celebrate Christmas. Wake up, open presents, eat cinnamon rolls and watch bad 80s horror movies all day. Sunday I'm going back home to Minnesota to see family and have Christmas there. So, end of the world, you're just gonna have to wait because I wanna open presents!

Also, last weekend The Boyfriend and I got a kitten. Her name is Felix (because The Boyfriend and I had our first date at a bar named St. Felix AND Felix Felicis (Liquid Luck from Harry Potter)). She's pretty damn cute and I fully intend on spending a lot more time with her.

So, happy End of the World to you all. Live it up and wake up Saturday morning to a brand new day.

Happy Holidays to you all and welcome to the all the days after 12/21/12. May you have nothing but joy and happiness and love.

Also, everybody watch this. It sums it up pretty well.

Happy End of the World/Apocalypse to you all!!!!

The Results Are In...

Actually they were in a week ago today...but there's been some adjusting and sleeping and working and lifeing that I've been doing instead.

So, Dr. Gregory House MD

Is wrong.

Apparently I have Lupus. Lupus has about a billion different symptoms and degrees of how bad it is, so it's hard to figure out. The only way mine was found was because my platelets (the parts of your blood that help your blood clot) were low enough that doctors needed to figure out why.

The Lupus I have is super mild. It seems to be only affecting my blood mostly. Though, the past 5 days or so, I think I've been in the midst of a flare. A Lupus flare is a period of time when the symptoms get worse, it will go away eventually. My flare seems to be that my muscles, all of them, are sore like I've been lifting weights. It's mostly my back (think a straight line up my spine) and my arms are sore. And I'm tired; but I've been tired for months, so that's hardly noticeable. There's a few other random things, like a lot of canker sores on my tongue and some joint pain.

It's a weird sort of situation where everything has changed, but nothing really has. I started a medication to help calm the Lupus and keep it calm, so other than that, nothing is different. I do have to keep going back to the immune system doctor, but I like her, so that isn't even that terrible. Yeah, it's a little scary, because Lupus can be really bad and damage the kidneys and liver and heart...but all of those organs look just fine for me. Mostly it's just something to keep track of.

Since they've already had one guy with Lupus on House...I guess I'll never be able to be in an episode. Drat.

Moving on...

IT'S DECEMBER!!! I'm so excited for Christmas, it's The Boyfriend's and my first Christmas together. I already have his presents ready...and I'm pretty sure he has mine. And we both know what they are...for the most part. I'm also going back to Minnesota/home for actual Christmas, hopefully there will be snow this year.

Happy Holidays to you all! May you find joy in the lights and the surprises and spending time with your loved ones.

Cliches are Okay! (sometimes)

I know that this time of year, everyone is stating what they are thankful for, and the day after Thanksgiving, it makes sense. Sometimes, though, cliches are completely welcome.

What I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful for all of you who offered kind words and loving support from my last post. On Tuesday, I go to the doctors to see what results have turned up, hopefully there will be some answers and even more hopefully, there will be some easy solutions. Sometimes I forget that admitting your weaknesses is the best way to strengthen friendships. So, thank you all for your love and support.

I'm thankful for The Boyfriend. I know, now this post is cheesy AND cliched. Bear with me, it's going to get a lot cheesier for a little bit. He has been nothing short of amazing through all of my crazy. I believe I have cried at least weekly onto one of shirts. He knows when I'm lying about being okay. He knows how to make me smile again. He knows when I'm freaking out. He loves me despite all of the things I think make me unloveable. We've been together almost 10 months and it's been amazing. I love him like I've never loved anyone else. It's simple.

Okay...the terrible cheesiness is over, back to cliches.

I'm thankful for all of my amazing friends. The ones who give me (and The Boyfriend) places to go for the holidays and invite me into their families (and feed us delicious food, thank you again!). The ones who go on lunch dates with me and get how my brain works. The ones I get to see every day at work. The ones who live far away and I only get to see every once in a while. I've figured out that the friends I have are going to definitely stick around for a while, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm thankful for the apartment The Boyfriend and I have, a place that always feels warm and safe and comfortable. That's also where Fievel is, so there's that.

I'm thankful for my family (the people I'm related to, and the people that have become family by history and friendship), even though I don't see them much. They keep me grounded to my home and where I came from. They are one of the things I'm excited about when I go home.

I'm thankful for my parents. I can say they did a darn good job of raising me. They are the foundation of everything I am and everything I do. They have supported all of my dreams and never told me I wasn't able to do something that I set my mind to. Because of them I'm strong, kind, and creative. I'm glad my parents and I were grouped up in whatever cosmic family building system there is.

I'm thankful I have my fingernails painted like turkeys.

I hope you are all able to list the things you are thankful for and see the wonderful things in your life.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Let me esplain...there is too much, let me sum up.

I know, I know, I KNOW!

It's been AGES according to the internet world since I've posted last. The reasons are many and some of them are even legit.

The first reason is that I would like to keep from turning this blog into a "my life is constantly in crisis" place. I would like to post more entertaining, quirky, and funny content rather than serious and sad content. But often, life doesn't always work like that. I've been trying for weeks to think of something funny and amusing to tell you all, but there's just be so much happening, that all I could think of was that. So I'm going to tell you that.

The first is that I am crazy. I know that I've alluded to "crazy" or "my crazy" or "appointments" in the past. I'll do a longer post about all that later, after more fun, awesome stuff, but right now I'll just give you the basics.

In March I was diagnosed with social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and OCD. In a nutshell (pun intended) It's like the panic button that everyone has in their heads gets jammed in my head...so everything feels like a world-ending crisis. In the past few months I have worried about: The Boyfriend hating/leaving/falling out of love with me, what I would do if I received a call that one of my parents had died, being kidnapped, people breaking into the house, the oven stetting the apartment on fire, people throwing my bread away from the work fridge, and a bunch of other things I've completely forgotten about. For a while I was having daily panic attacks (hyperventilating, crying, pain in the center of my chest, shaking, stomach aches). About a month an a half ago, I changed to a different medication and it has made a world of difference. Don't get me wrong, I'm still crazy, but I'm not crying daily and the thoughts that are crazy are easier to identify and talk down. (A lot of that is also from the therapist I see every Saturday)

I know that some of you do have some sort of mental illness, and you do know how debilitating it is, how hard it is just to get through a completely normal day sometimes. And those of you that don't, you are lucky and I hope that you know that people who do are not faking, weak, or trying to get out of doing anything. We would love nothing more than to be like "everyone else", but we just have to fight a little harder for it.

Other things that have happened in the past month that have made it hard for me to sit down and blog was Halloween. I desperately wanted to make some sort of awesome Halloween post, because I LOVE that holiday. The Boyfriend and I were a bat man and a robin (Batman and Robin with a delicious punny twist), I made ghost cupcakes, and actually enjoyed the Halloween party I went to. (I HATE parties, see above paragraph on anxiety)But Halloween stresses me out and makes me exhausted, because the crazy wants everything to be perfect, so I spend 4 hours making cupcakes. By the time Halloween is over, I'm ready to be done.

So, then my intentions were to write a post about Halloween and my traditions of always loving it, but life stepped in with crises. My dad's brother is currently doing radiation treatment for prostate cancer. My mom's sister has lung cancer and they are still figuring out how to best help her, but can't really do anything until she gets a bypass surgery on her heart. One of my very good friends (if you know anything, it's that I have a handful or two of very close friends that I would do anything for. Other than that, I don't like talking to people and think small talk and surface friendships are annoying and a waste of time for everyone) has had so much more in her life than anyone should have to deal with. Essentially everything that was for her was turned upside-down, shaken, and set back down.

In a past post I talked about being an introvert, and part of that is feeling deeply and not knowing how to express those emotions. So I desperately have wanted to help her and make everything better, I have emphasized with her pain and sadness, and have loved her without second thought. I love her and I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I grew up sort of ignoring and dealing with emotions quietly and on your own. It wasn't terrible, but now I just don't know what to do with the way I feel. (add to that the medication I was on for my anxiety wasn't right, so my doctor and I agreed that a change was in order)

Then, because that wasn't enough, a routine blood test of mine revealed that my platelet count was low. Platelets help your blood clot. They should be around 150-450 for most people. Mine were 115. A second blood test was ordered and those results came back as 88...it had dropped in a span of 3 weeks. It's not at dangerously low levels, but low enough that the doctors would like to know what's going on.

This week, on tuesday I went to a rheumatologist (immune system doctor) and she took 8 vials of blood to see why my antibodies (part of the immune system) were high and apparently attacking my platelets. On friday I went to a hematologist (blood doctor) to look at my cells and my liver/spleen function. They took 7 vials of blood. That has been stressful for me; just not knowing. It could be something small (not enough of a vitamin or two) or something serious (something wrong with my bone marrow, where blood cells are made (cancer)). Right now it's looking more like my immune system is attacking my platelets, which could mean an auto-immune disease; fibromyalgia, celiac, lupus.

P.S. Every time one of the doctors has mentioned Lupus, in my head I hear this and have to resist smiling like a werido as they tell me serious information. If it is anything, I sort of hope it is lupus, so I can rub it in Dr. House's face.

Anyway, I go back on the 27th to get the results and see what happens from there. No doctor was particularly concerned because I fell fine and none of this would have even been known if not for a routine blood test. If it was something super serious, I would feel sick. Low blood counts without symptoms can often be a pre symptom of something, so just things to keep an eye on.

So, that's what has been going on lately. I'm sorry this is a long and depressing post. I'll try to get something more lighthearted up next week. I just wanted you all to know why there was a leave of absence for over a month. (geez) I hadn't forgotten about you, I thought about writing a million times, but most days once I get home from work I don't want anything else required from me.

I love all of you who read, thank you, and I'll try to get back to my weekly posts.

I'll keep you updated on what's going on with my blood and everything else.

Happy Thanksgiving next week! Maybe I'll write something ridiculous about pilgrims or something.

Thanks for reading. I'll leave you with a picture of me and Captain America.

Bargaining And Distractions By Kittens

Confession: It took me five tries to spell "bargaining" correctly...that red underline is the bane of my existence. For serious. I never picked up spelling like I should have and I know that EVERYONE says they're a bad speller, but I really am. I really really am. In tenth grade we had to write a one side essay on immigration during class. I had no trouble with this, but as the teacher was reading over it she paused and looked up at me.

"Elayna." She said. "Do you realize you spelled "immigrant" six different ways in these three paragraphs?"

To which I replied. "Is one of them correct?"

"Yes..."

The fact that I got it correct once was good enough for me, the fact that I couldn't even spell it wrong the same way twice was concerning to my teacher. So it goes.

Transition!

Oddly enough, I did not come here today to talk to you about my spelling ability, or lack there of. I came to first, apologize for not posting last week. It was wrong of me and I'm sorry.

Life got busy last week in a mix of good and bad things. Also, I've been working later at work because we're in crunch time and I can't work Saturdays due to prior engagements.

The good things included a baby being born to my best friend back home and a friend of a friend getting engaged. Bad included things like health issues of family members and general panic attacks and anxiety. Yay.

Anywho...

Man, that brings me back to second grade...

Onto things that make me happy. This week has been a little difficult, but I finally got myself to post for you. (and by you I mean the 50 times I check my own blog and the one person who might read it.) Anyway, happiness. That comes in the form of kittens.

I don't know if you have discovered the wonderfulness that is the live stream of kittens. They sleep a lot, but the adorable is off the charts. So, beware, because your productivity may or may not decrease. I am not responsible for any loss of productivity. Use kittens at your own risk.

And to wrap up, I have a proposition for you. I'm going to start something called Fiction Fridays. It won't be every Friday, but some Fridays you could get a bonus post of a short story that I will write just for you.

Exciting! Or something. AND, you get to help!

Your question is What are some useless super powers? Things like the power of static cling or the power of turing plaid instead of invisible. I mean, when extra abilities become common place in our society, if X-Men has taught me anything, is that there must be some abilities that are completely useless. Not everyone can be as awesome as Kitty Pryde (can pass through walls and whatnot) or Wolverine (retractable adamantium claws and super quick healing abilities).

Please leave your useless super abilities in the comments below, because I can't think of any others besides static cling and the ability of plaid. So, if you could please help me out, that would be awesome.

I mean, to defeat this superhero all you have to do is poke him anywhere on his head and he'll be in pain. I've definitely poked myself in the eye putting in my contacts or gesturing with my hands while speaking...and it's hurt quite a bit. So, maybe The Giant Eye is a poor super ability to have. And also, that whole issue of not having depth perception...right

To recap, put your super abilities in the comments below. Thanks and I will post next week...if all goes according to plan. (evil laughter)