From Vendetta To Valium

Warning: This post contains mention of female anatomy and menstruation. So, if you're not interested, please feel free to skip this one.

*Names have been changed because it's more fun that way, I mean to protect the identity of all parties.

MaryLet’s run away to cotton candy island.

I think our dramatic yelling to the sky moment will be scheduled around 1 this afternoon, if that works with your schedule.

Christ.

SaraHaha, perfect, count me in!

I have an oil change today at 1:30 so thank God I get to run away for a while.

MaryLucky.

You know those days where you just never should have gotten out of bed? That applies to this entire week. Thank god for pilates today, I definitely need it.

SaraFOR REAL.

Cotton Candy mountains sound so DAMN appealing right now….or crack cocaine…whichever comes first!

HAHA, secret bashing in email today with you is making me super happy

MaryIt is definitely helping.

remember when mr drama was our biggest problem? How naieve we were.

I do love the irony of all the things I have been accused of…online shopping, facebooking (on my phone), being on my phone, loud typing, internet surfing; it’s like they’re looking at the wrong computer. Mr. ebay for guitars and amps, facebook, twitter, omegle, random internets, google chat, facebook chat, typing up a storm.

SaraAt this point I think that they are deliberately choosing to ignore his behavior. IU swear, its all because he’s a new dad, and a band manager that probably has connections they need.

Lets tell everyone we are pregnant, see how quickly things change in our favor.

MaryOkay!

Pregnant and in a band. The Fertile Myrtles! Lots of angry emo girl hormone driven punk rock.

SaraLet’s scratch out the emo part, and I am in!

I really want to box today

MaryDone. Fertile Myrtles are no longer emo, just strongly hormone driven.

Piloxing is tomorrow. There’s also piloxing at 6 today, during the time that I do normal pilates.

SaraDamn, that sounds amazing right now. I am so torn of emotions.

I wanna box, I wanna eat loads of salt and I also want to get laid. EFF you hormones!!! This is exactly how I feel right now…

MaryYeah. Let’s kill the world, eat ice cream and pretzels, screw boys, and watch lifetime movies!!! All at this exact moment.

SaraHAHAHA, being a woman is so ridiculous sometimes. Thank you for being my uterus sista. Didn’t you show me a uterus pillow once?

MaryNo, I was not the presenter of the uterus pillow.

No wonder in the 1800s men just had women committed during their period or gave them historectimies and called them hysterical. Dear lord, we are nuts. Guys get a rush of hormones at about 16 and then it just stays there, indefinitely. Women get the hormone rollercoaster until they’re 50 and then everything explodes, and then stops. Meanwhile, guys find their second wind at about 70 and want to revert back to everything they’ve said at 17.

Btw, Uterus Pillow is the Fertile Myrtles first hit single. Followed closely by I hate to love your stupid handsome face to round off the charts.

SaraHAHAHA, I like the way you think. It was this one that I saw.

How stupidly cute is this dumb thing.

MaryHe’s like an adorable pink female anatomy shaped ghost holding grapes.

SaraIf this was ghost that you get when “Hey do you wanna buy a ghost” guy comes to you, its like heck yes!

Put if it’s the ghost you shoot during Johnny skull Id be like, “nooooo…save him!”

MaryWhen I become a ghost, it will be like this one.

SaraHAHAHA That would totally be you!

Jebus, I just yelled at the parking attendant because he asked why I didn’t wear make-up today and I told him I don’t live to please you with my beauty. What he said was damn rude, but I need to be tranquilized before I go on a hate spewing spree.

MaryNah, we’ll just get wasted at lunch and then say whatever the hell we want to everyone! Be warned, world, Sara and Mary are out for blood.

SaraJeeze, is’nt the fact that we have enough blood coming out of us the problem???

A glass of wine sounds divine though.

MaryMOAR BLOOD!!! THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENTS!!!! THEIR BLOOD MUST SPILL FOR OUR BLOOD SPILLS!!!!

SaraHAHAHAHA, what the hell is wrong with us?

MaryRelax and chant with me

Yeah, that conversation really happened.